I am So Great
by SweetDreams21191
Summary: Harry tells us about himself and why he thinks he's great in a version of Harry that we don't all know that well
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own any HP characters so please don't sue me.

Hello, my name is Harry Potter. I think I'm wonderful. I am also not the only one who thinks that. Yup, you just ask some random witch or wizard on the street what they think of me and you know what they say? They say "Harry Potter, the boy who lived!" Yup, that's right everybody knows my name which is great because I always wanted to go where everybody knows my name. So I'm pretty famous. Anyone tries to mess with me and I show them my karate moves because I can't bear to have this beautiful face messed with.

I simply DO NOT understand why in the world everybody does not come up to me for my autograph though. Many a time I have set up a table with quite a few of my best pictures and a pen and offer everyone free autographs, but does anyone come up for one, no. I swear, you'd think people would be a little more grateful. I mean, here they've got the opportunity of a lifetime to come get my autograph and they don't take it. Tut tut, all I know is that they're the ones that are gonna be missing out someday.

I also believe that Hogwarts is treating me exceptionally horribly. Do you know where they send me during the summer? They send me to Vernon, Dudley, and Petunia Dursley. Vernon and Dudley are just so large and oily and what if a molecule of oil got in the air and landed on me? THAT COULD RUIN MY COMPLEXION! You'd think they'd understand that I, being so famous, am always getting photo opportunities and must look my absolute best.

(Ron walks in)

Ron: Hi Harry!

Harry: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

R: Harry, what's the matter!?

H: That was TOTALLY unnecessary Ronald Weasley. I know that you love me and would do anything to get a chance to talk to me but I simply do not associate with the average man. You interrupted me from writing about myself and that was a mistake because people just simply do not bother me. Now, if you'd excuse me I must get back to my work.

R: OK mate, whatever you say

My, that boy is strange. He always acts as if we are great chums. He interrupted the famous Harry Potter at his work. He should be ashamed of himself. Of course, I must excuse it, he is, after all, not famous and does not understand the responsibilities in it.

Well, it is 8 pm now on a Friday night so I must go sit at my autograph table and then get some beauty sleep.

I hope you see yourself extremely lucky, after all, I, the famous Harry Potter, just took the time to acquaint myself with you but I must be going. Goodbye!


	2. My Parents and ol' Voldy

I am so great- ch.2

I have run out of things to do for the day so I suppose I will continue writing about myself, a very enjoyable experience and I'm sure that those of you reading about me feel the same way. I believe I will now explain to you why my parents died for me. I have heard many times that it was out of protection and love. Yes yes, I agree with that, after all, I was an adorable baby so who wouldn't love me and protect me? However, there is much more to it than that. They had a choice, they could live and have me die OR I could live and they could die. Of course, they chose to have me live. I don't blame them, it's much more worthwhile to have me on the face of the than them. I mean, I'm famous, I'm THE BOY WHO LIVED. My parents would not have been famous or "the parents who lived" because that's not as catchy as THE BOY WHO LIVED. If the situation had been reversed, I know I would have made the same decision as them, I live, they die. Another reason they protected me was that they didn't want me to have to see that hideous creature Voldemort's face. I could have been scarred for life and then I would have been "the mental boy who lived and went to the phychiatric ward." Unfortunately, I have had to make up for not seeing Voldemort's face once by seeing quite a few times. Each time he tries to kill me! I don't know why he wants to kill _me_... I mean I'M THE BOY WHO LIVED! hmmm... maybe he wants my autograph and doesn't think I'll give it to him so he thinks he needs to kill me and go to my special lock-protected drawer full of signed autograph pictures to get one. Maybe next time I meet up with ol' Voldy I'll let him know that I'd me more than happy to give him one. Hmmm... better go get one and give it to him. I'll write more about myself later.


	3. Troubles with Draco and Dobby

I am so great- ch. 3

I am back. I attempted giving Voldemort my autograph and you know what he did? He tried to kill me again!! He's horribly mental. I am staying away from him from now on. Anyway, as I was making my way back to the Gryffindor common room Draco Malfoy stopped at me and said "What's the matter Potter, lost your bottle of shampoo? That must be why your hair is so full of dirt." I said " No, young Draco , I was practicing my superior Defense Against the Dark Arts skills by fighting the horrible Voldemort, my hair may be a bit dirty, but you can rest assured that I am fully intending to go take a nice, long, hot shower." He walked away with his nose in the air. I cannot believe how disrespectful that boy is. He must know that you are not supposed to call people of higher ranks than you by just their last name. Mr. Potter or Sir Potter would have been fine, but just "Potter"? I'm disgusted by him.

Anyway, after that little incident that disgusting creature that is obsessed with me, Dobby, started following me. I started shaking of fear that he was going to touch me. I was extremely close to hyperventilating. He was talking about how great I was and how much he loved me. I already know this of course so, speaking as calmly as I could I said "I already know this Dobby and I fully appreciate your gratitude, but you are not very clean and I need to get away from you." Then he hugged me. That was _the limit_! I ran from there to here, the Gryffindor common room screaming at the top of my lungs. I need to take that shower I've been meaning to take now.


	4. Shampoo and Shower

ch. 4- I am so great

This chapter contains some ideas of my friend Jeannie so I am giving her credit too!

Well, you know, I was thinking about waiting until I was done with my shower to write more about myself, but then I just found myself thinking about what I was going to write about myself and I thought well, why think? Write! Right? Hmmmm..... what shampoo should I use? I have herbal essences, pantene, and suave. I think I'll use herbal essences because it smells like flowers and people will come up to me and not only recognize that I'm extremely handsome but lovely smelling as well.

You know, I really think that the shampoo companies should have my picture on the bottle. It would sell faster because people would say MY OH MY LOOK AT THAT HANDSOME BOY ON THE FRONT OF THE SHAMPOO BOTTLE I THINK IT'S... OH NO IT'S NOT... OH YES IT IS! THE BOY WHO LIVED!!!! and they would buy more than is even on the shelf and take orders of 3 times as much! As soon as I get out of the shower I'm going to write to herbal essences telling them just that. We'll have a deal in no time.

(Hermione walks into the girls bathroom, about to take a shower, Harry is singing "My Heart Will Go On" because he thinks his voice is amazing. Hermione hears this and is rather frightened)

Hermione: Umm... Harry, why are _you_ taking a shower in the girls bathroom?

Harry: Why shouldn't I?

Hermione: You're a boy

Harry: Well, this bathroom is cleaner than that of my gender. I can use the girls bathroom if I'd like because well, you know (giggle) I'm famous

Hermione: umm... ok whatever

I am finished washing now. I better go write to herbal essences.


	5. Letter to Herbal Essences

Ch. 4- I am So Great

Harry Potter

Hogwarts

This is my letter to Herbal Essences. I decided I would let you average men and women see it so that you could see my expertice writing and persuading. Here it is.

To whom it may concern:

My name is Harry Potter and I have decided to make a deal with you. This is not just any deal, it is the deal of a lifetime and if you proceed to not accept it I will be tremendously alarmed. I will not be surprised at all if you do accept it. I believe that you should begin to sell your shampoo with my picture on the bottle. It would sell much faster and people would want to keep on buying it instead of trying other kinds because they would want to keep looking at my gorgeous face. I even bet that since I am so beautiful something amazing will happen and my lovliness will rub off on the shampoo and make it smell even nicer and work even better. Now, as you are what I call muggles, you have no idea what my importance to this world is. However, I assure you that I am of greater importance than your country leaders or even who you worship. One thing I am not permitted to do (which I don't like because I am great and I think I should be permitted to tell you) is tell you why I am of such great importance because you are indeed what I call muggles. I am not lying when I say your shampoo would sell faster. If you'd like, I could set up an autograph table near the shampoo aisle in a store and say "BUY A BOTTLE OF HERBAL ESSENCES SHAMPOO AND I'LL GIVE YOU MY AUTOGRAPH! THINK OF THAT! TWO IN ONE! MY PICTURE ON YOUR LOVELY SMELLING SHAMPOO **_AND_** MY LOVELY AUTOGRAPH!" People would rush up like you wouldn't believe! I have a 100 guarantee on this. You don't need to pay me any money for this, my award will be the smile on people's faces when they get their shampoo and autograph. There will be no need to rush up to me as if this deal isn't going to last either, I will always be open to this deal as you will be immediately. My adress is in the top right hand corner of this page. Your welcome for this opportunity.

Your favorite and mine,

Harry Potter

P.S. Please send your answer by owl.


	6. The Crudeness of Herbal Essences'

Disclaimer: I'm not J.K Rowling, my name happens to be Erin, so I obviously don't own anything!

Hello, this is Harry. I've been mourning for a while now about the letter that was written back to me from Herbal Essences. I happened to have a "Sorry for You Harry" ceremony in which I invited every Hogwarts student to come say "I'm sorry things didn't work out for you sir Harry Potter" to me. Hermione, Ron, and Dobby came before Severus Snape burst in and said "enough of this nonsense" (he's so ungrateful to me that Severus he is) and _forced_ me to leave. Otherwise I'm sure the ceremony would've had quite a fine turn out, yes, I'm positively sure everybody from Hogwarts would've come and everyone else in the world too, but, sadly, I would have to say no to them coming because, although it would be very nice of them, I would lose sleep and end up looking tired which would not be good for my photo opportunities! Anyway, I figured I should let everybody see what caused _me_, the chosen one, (much better than "the boy who lived" don't you think?) to have such sadness and rage. Here it is.

Harry Potter,

We regret to inform you that we cannot have you model for our shampoo bottles. It is not that we do not appreciate the offer, but we don't use models for our products and we _highly_ doubt that it would increase sales. You, Mr. Potter, are no exception. The pictures on our products are of flowers because they illustrate the name "Herbal Essences." You do not illustrate the name because you are neither "Herbal" or an "Essence." If we ever have models for our products you are welcome to come for the try-outs. However, the chances are very unlikely that that will occur.

Regretfully,

Herbal Essences

Wasn't that just crude? I'm going to go to the spa now.


	7. Delight of the Rose Bubbles

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from or associated with Harry Potter, that would be JK Rowling.

Ahhh... I'm so pleased with myself today. I have to say I really do always live up to my potential, and that's being modest. So here's what happened. I was taking a bath in the prefects' bathroom because I _am _Gryffindor Quidditch Captain, and I wanted the bubble bath that came out to smell like roses, but for some reason it wouldn't come out that way. So I walked to the Room of Requirement for a way to get the bubble bath in the prefects' bathroom to smell like roses and I went into a room of ideas. I found the idea for how to get the bubble bath to smell like roses. The idea was "try this spell: _bublarosa_" which I tried in the room of requirement because I like the sound of my voice saying spells and here was a reason for me to say one, so I said_ "bublarosa"_ in a beautiful and passionate voice and all of a sudden bubbles that smelled like roses came down from the ceiling from the Room of Requirement and so I started laughing and ran out of the room singing _raindrops are falling on my head._ I ran all the way to the prefects' bathroom being so wonderfully athletic and pointed my wand at the very luxurious bathtub's faucet and said _"bublarosa"_ and out of the faucet came rose-scented bubble bath, so I took a bath in that rose-scented bubble bath and now... I smell like roses.

(a couple of minutes go by because Harry is having a conversation)

Hmmmm... this very odd red-haired child name Ronald Weasley wants me to go to eat dinner with him. It's a good thing I'm so kind to the students of Hogwarts because everybody wants me to hang around with them. I'll go with him to eat dinner, wouldn't want something bad to be said about me in an interview (there are a lot of those).

Ron : Harry, I'm _so_ hungry.(gives Harry a pat on the back)

Harry: Ugh (looks very shocked and taken aback) _please_ don't touch me young Weasley, I went to a lot of trouble to smell like roses you know. Hmhm( chuckles a little and gets a jolly look on his face as he thinks back to when the rose bubbles were coming from the ceiling)


End file.
